Time to say goodbye

      When I created this blog in 2012, it was meant to be an emotional outlet. I went through depression and anxiety. I was unstable. I have since used it for almost three years and throughout this time I had not yet healed. For three years it was my crutch to lean on and I filled it with all of my emotions. For three years I bared my soul to this sanctuary. For three years I have suffered loneliness, depression, and extremely low self-esteem. At first when people started noticing, I masked it. I have since been masking a great deal of turmoil inside me. I woke up in the morning, put on my makeup, and hoped that none of my pain was showing. I kept telling myself to be strong and just deal with it.
      Now I know that I'm not strong, but that's okay. I have faced what I'm going through and it is the first step to my recovery. As I look back through all my entries, I remember the stories behind each and every one and how much pain there was. This blog in itself tells a story; a story about me.
      Recently, I began talking to people. They made things easier. I had been going around in silent pain for so long that unloading felt so right. It was like I was waking up from a three year nightmare. I was still shaking from the terror and my limbs too weak to stand on but at least I'm awake.
       And so I think that it's time to say goodbye to this blog. I leave it here for the world to see, as ugly and painful as it is. I hereby dedicate this site to all those who have ever felt trapped, depressed, or lonely. I hope that these entries may allow them to know that they are not alone and I hope that they can draw from the good, positive ones as well.

Goodbye for the last time,
<3 Liar, Liar, Lizzy

free

My spirit is free
my soul is on fire
I'll run and truly
I will never tire

like an eagle I'll soar
like a stallion I'll race with the wind
I couldn't ask for more
in the breeze I will bend

I will run, I will fly
I will dance and I'll sing
I will touch the sky
as I spread my wings

A stallion is wild
and so I shall be
as I run through a field
I'll embody it's beauty

The air currents I'll ride
I'll scream the Amen
my heart bursting with pride
for all that I am

The ocean I'll fly o'er
my fingers I'll dip in the waves
as my freedom out pours
the freedom that my soul craves

And so I will fly
forever I'll be free
I'll run till I die
but free I will be.

Let's pretend

Let's pretend
that we are children
Let's pretend
that we are young

we could be pirates, and then
find a hidden treasure trove
of course we'll need a pen
to document our adventures in skull cove

or we could be spies
with all sorts of mystery and secrets
or maybe bake pies!
molded of mud and violets

we must dance with fairies of course
and weave pretty chains of flowers
of this we'll have no remorse
and then we'll find we have super powers!

I'll wear a cape and you'll hold a shield
we'll fight villains and be friends with batman
we'll run over creek and through field
it'll never be dangerous but we'll do the best we can!

Please, let's pretend

Calm down

Maybe we should just breathe
It's okay to get irritated or even cry
we're all human but we should believe
that too much anger will make us die

just close your eyes
and take a deep breath
feel your heart as it flies
release all your fears and your stress

Mellow out a little bit
I'm not saying repress your feelings
our emotions are exquisite
just let them flow through your breathing

send up a prayer

Such an angry child
she's in such pain and no one sees
that's why she is wild
her pain it grows, help her please

her wounds they fester
her sorrow it deepens
life has lost it's luster
the slope of lies, it steepens

why does she lash out?
why does she resent?
I'll tell you why she shouts
she's sad at present

It's a mask you see
if nothing can touch her
she thinks she will be
stronger and safer

help her please
she just wants a little love
with all the hate she sees
her only love comes from above

don't wake me up

I'm a magic kind of girl

I love fairytales
I revel in mystery
I hate when a story pales
I believe that is true misery

magic holds a wondrous beauty
one I wish would never end
a nod and a wink are truly
a game that back and forth I send

I love my games
I love my fantasies
I will be wild till someone tames
my wondrous dreams

when things change
I regret my decisions
it feels odd and strange
to be put in these situations

the magic leaves
all whimsy is gone
In a book I flip sheaves
for a magic ending long gone

I don't want the game to end
I prefer it this way
from a distance I will send
a smile to soothe your day

And so I will go on
dreaming and wishing
I'll have all good fun
and my soul will be singing

It's all I ever want
to be allowed to dream
my awakening cannot be abrupt
I must float down a stream

Reality is too harsh
I don't want to face it
Please don't wake me up
Sleeping Beauty couldn't bear it.

fear

   Fear has held me my entire life. I hold so many regrets from my past. So many things I was too fearful to do. I didn't want to wear anything that would offend my sister's sense of style and it stopped me from being who I am. There have been countless times I wanted to say something to someone but was too afraid and I have felt the pain of loneliness since. There were so many school clubs to join and friends to make but I was too scared. My whole life, up to this point, I've been afraid. I just need someone to give me courage. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." -Princess Diaries

lonely

Well, here I am. Almost sixteen, attending public school, involved in dance classes, no boyfriend, and I feel like I have no friends. People who know me think I'm crazy and spontaneous but to others I'm not. I have a few friends. It's kinda impossible not to, but at my church and other social gatherings I just feel ostracized. I hardly talk to any boys and the few that I do talk to usually bat for the other team. As I walk past groups of teenagers talking I feel immediate judgment and negativity emanating from their general direction. Is there something wrong with me? It's very hard for me to make new friends but once we are friends I can be as outrageous as I want and have no fear of dislike. Is it possible to be introverted and extroverted at the same time? I believe it is. As complicated as I am I believe at least one thing to be true about myself. I am introverted and extroverted. As I explore these aspects of my personality I find myself falling out of love with it. I feel utterly lonely and just wish someone would hold me tight and tell me it's okay. I stay home all the time and never hang out with friends. I act like I'm okay with this situation but I'm not. I pretend that some people just aren't worth my time and the only friends I have are the only friends I have because I'm picky. This is a front. I want desperately to have more friends. I want to get involved but fear is holding me back. I fear criticism and judgment and whispered insults behind my back. I fear the evils of society. I fear that once I let my guard down I will be hurt. I'm like Rapunzel locked away in a tower, perfectly safe from the outside world but terribly lonely. I guess I just have to wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue me from myself... Liar, Liar, Lizzy

Killing Ugly Girl: a metaphor

She walks forward, this ugly girl. She is stuck. What is stopping her? She tries to push forward but her body is thrust backward. She is flung onto the floor. Shaking her head, the ugly girl sits up. She lifts one leg and then another. There is something odd about them. She lifts her arm to find a strange sight. An almost invisible string is stuck in her arm. She tugs at it but it will not come out. She pulls harder and breathes in sharply as a searing pain goes up her arm. She looks at her other arm. She finds another line. Her legs are fastened as well. She follows the thread with her fingers. It leads up to the dark emptiness above her head. Ugly girl grasps one thread between her thumb and and forefinger. She gives it a sharp tug. A rattling sound is emitted from the sky followed by a tinkling, cold laugh. Suddenly, Ugly girl is pulled up to a standing position. Her leg is thrust out in front of her. She begins walking mechanically. Ugly girl’s body is thrust forward of it’s own accord. “Stop!” she breathes. Regardless of her pleas, her body continues to walk. Ugly girl breathes heavily as tears slide down her panicked face. Her muscles are not her own. She continues walking forward into more unknown darkness. The only dim light that illuminates the first few feet in front of her seems to come from the mysterious threads. Abruptly, she stops. The cold laughter sounds from the sky once more. Ugly girl is standing a few feet away from the edge… the edge of an abyss; a void so dark that even Hell itself would be put to shame. “No!” she gasps. “No! No! No! Don’t make me!” Ugly girl wrenches her arms from her side and forces her legs to back away. The strings resist and pull her forward again but ugly girl fights for control. With a scream of rebellion, ugly girl grips the strings hanging from above. She pulls and wrenches with all her might. The threads snap. Ugly girl falls back against the hard ground. The broken threads dangle from the sky, fluttering with the residual force of the tear. As ugly girl stares at her limbs, the threads begin to fade and very soon they disappear completely. Ugly girl is no more. When you let others control you, you stifle the beauty within yourself.

Beyond The Curtain: A Nightmare

Turn the corner. A sheer curtain hangs before you. Beyond the curtain lies a blossoming valley and glittering lake. The sun shines warmly as starlings call to each other. A soft breeze billows the curtain gently. You raise a hand to part the curtain. You are stopped. The curtain will not budge. You pull and pull but it is useless. The curtain becomes a barrier. You gaze longingly at the beautiful lake. The singing of the starling beckons you forward and a single tear slides down your cheek as you push uselessly against the barrier. Holding your arms tightly, you back up. You bite your lip as fear grips your heart. The seemingly harmless, sheer, and white curtain changes. It fades to gray and becomes thick with cobwebs. The sparkling lake has vanished and not even a whisper of the starlings is heard. With a wild cry you tear them off the wall. As you hold them in your hands and breathe heavily, your head spins with adrenaline. The tattered remains flow from your fingers and fall to the floor. A smile spreads across your face. You are still staring at the curtain in sweet anticipation of what is beyond. You look up. The smile fades into a nervous glance. As you advance through, into the valley, something seems wrong. The starlings' song has turned into a raspy whisper and the air carries a foul stench. It is still beautiful and seems to call you but, you don't know why. As you leave the fallen curtain behind, the sky becomes gray and brown. The starlings morph into crows and descend upon you. They peck at your hair and your flesh. The water crawls out of the lake, licking at your feet. It drags at your legs until you are in its shallows. The once fresh water has turned salty and burns your pecked-at skin. It pulls you deeper and deeper. You are drowning. With one final cry you raise your arms to heaven and are taken under.

The Dark

     Look over your shoulder. Feel its presence. You hurry your step and strangle a gasp. The hairs on your back tingle with fear. You start to run as the Dark looms up. Its vicious claws tear at walls as it gropes to take hold of its prey. Abandoning your dignity, you cry out for help. And yet, no one hears you because you have not really screamed; you've only whispered. The Dark converges and your feet trip about uselessly as you struggle to take your eyes away from this fascinatingly hideous beast. Beneath its growls and roars you can distinguish intelligible words.
     "Come with me. There's nothing left. Your mine. Don't struggle." You turn and flee down a hidden passageway. It rumbles after you in desperate pursuit. The passage ends and you find yourself up against a wall. You beat at it with your fists in useless denial. Sinking to the ground, you curl up in a ball hoping the Dark will not come.
      You hear a low menacing growl. You look up and see the beast, the dark. You curl tighter and start to cry.
       You stop. You raise your head. "There is nothing left." you whisper. You stand and bow your head. The beast advances slowly. It knows you are trapped; it tortures you by prolonging the end. Raising your head, you lift your arms up to the sky and give in.
       You are consumed by the Dark. Its wild teeth gnash and bite. You feel your skin tear as its powerful jaws rip your flesh. Blood spills and pools around you. The beast withdraws for a second to admire its handiwork.
       You are sitting in a pool of blood watching it all take place as if you were outside your body. You wake up.
       You are sitting in the shower. You stare around you as the dim light flickers through the curtain. Tears are streaming down your face and your arm hurts.
           
             You are sitting in a pool of blood...
           
             With a razor in your hand.