lonely

Well, here I am. Almost sixteen, attending public school, involved in dance classes, no boyfriend, and I feel like I have no friends. People who know me think I'm crazy and spontaneous but to others I'm not. I have a few friends. It's kinda impossible not to, but at my church and other social gatherings I just feel ostracized. I hardly talk to any boys and the few that I do talk to usually bat for the other team. As I walk past groups of teenagers talking I feel immediate judgment and negativity emanating from their general direction. Is there something wrong with me? It's very hard for me to make new friends but once we are friends I can be as outrageous as I want and have no fear of dislike. Is it possible to be introverted and extroverted at the same time? I believe it is. As complicated as I am I believe at least one thing to be true about myself. I am introverted and extroverted. As I explore these aspects of my personality I find myself falling out of love with it. I feel utterly lonely and just wish someone would hold me tight and tell me it's okay. I stay home all the time and never hang out with friends. I act like I'm okay with this situation but I'm not. I pretend that some people just aren't worth my time and the only friends I have are the only friends I have because I'm picky. This is a front. I want desperately to have more friends. I want to get involved but fear is holding me back. I fear criticism and judgment and whispered insults behind my back. I fear the evils of society. I fear that once I let my guard down I will be hurt. I'm like Rapunzel locked away in a tower, perfectly safe from the outside world but terribly lonely. I guess I just have to wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue me from myself... Liar, Liar, Lizzy