don't wake me up

I'm a magic kind of girl

I love fairytales
I revel in mystery
I hate when a story pales
I believe that is true misery

magic holds a wondrous beauty
one I wish would never end
a nod and a wink are truly
a game that back and forth I send

I love my games
I love my fantasies
I will be wild till someone tames
my wondrous dreams

when things change
I regret my decisions
it feels odd and strange
to be put in these situations

the magic leaves
all whimsy is gone
In a book I flip sheaves
for a magic ending long gone

I don't want the game to end
I prefer it this way
from a distance I will send
a smile to soothe your day

And so I will go on
dreaming and wishing
I'll have all good fun
and my soul will be singing

It's all I ever want
to be allowed to dream
my awakening cannot be abrupt
I must float down a stream

Reality is too harsh
I don't want to face it
Please don't wake me up
Sleeping Beauty couldn't bear it.

fear

   Fear has held me my entire life. I hold so many regrets from my past. So many things I was too fearful to do. I didn't want to wear anything that would offend my sister's sense of style and it stopped me from being who I am. There have been countless times I wanted to say something to someone but was too afraid and I have felt the pain of loneliness since. There were so many school clubs to join and friends to make but I was too scared. My whole life, up to this point, I've been afraid. I just need someone to give me courage. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." -Princess Diaries

lonely

Well, here I am. Almost sixteen, attending public school, involved in dance classes, no boyfriend, and I feel like I have no friends. People who know me think I'm crazy and spontaneous but to others I'm not. I have a few friends. It's kinda impossible not to, but at my church and other social gatherings I just feel ostracized. I hardly talk to any boys and the few that I do talk to usually bat for the other team. As I walk past groups of teenagers talking I feel immediate judgment and negativity emanating from their general direction. Is there something wrong with me? It's very hard for me to make new friends but once we are friends I can be as outrageous as I want and have no fear of dislike. Is it possible to be introverted and extroverted at the same time? I believe it is. As complicated as I am I believe at least one thing to be true about myself. I am introverted and extroverted. As I explore these aspects of my personality I find myself falling out of love with it. I feel utterly lonely and just wish someone would hold me tight and tell me it's okay. I stay home all the time and never hang out with friends. I act like I'm okay with this situation but I'm not. I pretend that some people just aren't worth my time and the only friends I have are the only friends I have because I'm picky. This is a front. I want desperately to have more friends. I want to get involved but fear is holding me back. I fear criticism and judgment and whispered insults behind my back. I fear the evils of society. I fear that once I let my guard down I will be hurt. I'm like Rapunzel locked away in a tower, perfectly safe from the outside world but terribly lonely. I guess I just have to wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue me from myself... Liar, Liar, Lizzy

Killing Ugly Girl: a metaphor

She walks forward, this ugly girl. She is stuck. What is stopping her? She tries to push forward but her body is thrust backward. She is flung onto the floor. Shaking her head, the ugly girl sits up. She lifts one leg and then another. There is something odd about them. She lifts her arm to find a strange sight. An almost invisible string is stuck in her arm. She tugs at it but it will not come out. She pulls harder and breathes in sharply as a searing pain goes up her arm. She looks at her other arm. She finds another line. Her legs are fastened as well. She follows the thread with her fingers. It leads up to the dark emptiness above her head. Ugly girl grasps one thread between her thumb and and forefinger. She gives it a sharp tug. A rattling sound is emitted from the sky followed by a tinkling, cold laugh. Suddenly, Ugly girl is pulled up to a standing position. Her leg is thrust out in front of her. She begins walking mechanically. Ugly girl’s body is thrust forward of it’s own accord. “Stop!” she breathes. Regardless of her pleas, her body continues to walk. Ugly girl breathes heavily as tears slide down her panicked face. Her muscles are not her own. She continues walking forward into more unknown darkness. The only dim light that illuminates the first few feet in front of her seems to come from the mysterious threads. Abruptly, she stops. The cold laughter sounds from the sky once more. Ugly girl is standing a few feet away from the edge… the edge of an abyss; a void so dark that even Hell itself would be put to shame. “No!” she gasps. “No! No! No! Don’t make me!” Ugly girl wrenches her arms from her side and forces her legs to back away. The strings resist and pull her forward again but ugly girl fights for control. With a scream of rebellion, ugly girl grips the strings hanging from above. She pulls and wrenches with all her might. The threads snap. Ugly girl falls back against the hard ground. The broken threads dangle from the sky, fluttering with the residual force of the tear. As ugly girl stares at her limbs, the threads begin to fade and very soon they disappear completely. Ugly girl is no more. When you let others control you, you stifle the beauty within yourself.

Beyond The Curtain: A Nightmare

Turn the corner. A sheer curtain hangs before you. Beyond the curtain lies a blossoming valley and glittering lake. The sun shines warmly as starlings call to each other. A soft breeze billows the curtain gently. You raise a hand to part the curtain. You are stopped. The curtain will not budge. You pull and pull but it is useless. The curtain becomes a barrier. You gaze longingly at the beautiful lake. The singing of the starling beckons you forward and a single tear slides down your cheek as you push uselessly against the barrier. Holding your arms tightly, you back up. You bite your lip as fear grips your heart. The seemingly harmless, sheer, and white curtain changes. It fades to gray and becomes thick with cobwebs. The sparkling lake has vanished and not even a whisper of the starlings is heard. With a wild cry you tear them off the wall. As you hold them in your hands and breathe heavily, your head spins with adrenaline. The tattered remains flow from your fingers and fall to the floor. A smile spreads across your face. You are still staring at the curtain in sweet anticipation of what is beyond. You look up. The smile fades into a nervous glance. As you advance through, into the valley, something seems wrong. The starlings' song has turned into a raspy whisper and the air carries a foul stench. It is still beautiful and seems to call you but, you don't know why. As you leave the fallen curtain behind, the sky becomes gray and brown. The starlings morph into crows and descend upon you. They peck at your hair and your flesh. The water crawls out of the lake, licking at your feet. It drags at your legs until you are in its shallows. The once fresh water has turned salty and burns your pecked-at skin. It pulls you deeper and deeper. You are drowning. With one final cry you raise your arms to heaven and are taken under.

The Dark

     Look over your shoulder. Feel its presence. You hurry your step and strangle a gasp. The hairs on your back tingle with fear. You start to run as the Dark looms up. Its vicious claws tear at walls as it gropes to take hold of its prey. Abandoning your dignity, you cry out for help. And yet, no one hears you because you have not really screamed; you've only whispered. The Dark converges and your feet trip about uselessly as you struggle to take your eyes away from this fascinatingly hideous beast. Beneath its growls and roars you can distinguish intelligible words.
     "Come with me. There's nothing left. Your mine. Don't struggle." You turn and flee down a hidden passageway. It rumbles after you in desperate pursuit. The passage ends and you find yourself up against a wall. You beat at it with your fists in useless denial. Sinking to the ground, you curl up in a ball hoping the Dark will not come.
      You hear a low menacing growl. You look up and see the beast, the dark. You curl tighter and start to cry.
       You stop. You raise your head. "There is nothing left." you whisper. You stand and bow your head. The beast advances slowly. It knows you are trapped; it tortures you by prolonging the end. Raising your head, you lift your arms up to the sky and give in.
       You are consumed by the Dark. Its wild teeth gnash and bite. You feel your skin tear as its powerful jaws rip your flesh. Blood spills and pools around you. The beast withdraws for a second to admire its handiwork.
       You are sitting in a pool of blood watching it all take place as if you were outside your body. You wake up.
       You are sitting in the shower. You stare around you as the dim light flickers through the curtain. Tears are streaming down your face and your arm hurts.
           
             You are sitting in a pool of blood...
           
             With a razor in your hand.

physically held back

Things are happening and I don't even care. I stare at things and just feel haunted. I've been fighting against the current for so long and I'm just tired of getting pushed down. I have fire inside but I can't express it anymore. Physically, I am held back. My injury has put me out of commission for weeks and all I want is to be able to dance again. I just want to run and leap and turn again. But, I can't. I'm broken.